If you ask me about myself chances are the first thing I’ll tell you is that I love to read. But if you ask what I’m interested in and/or like doing beyond books and reading I struggle to come up with an answer.
Being a reader is the main thing that defines me. Who am I without books? If you take the books away from Laura, what do you get?
The answer: you get a girl who drinks too much tea, who doesn’t quite know how to talk to people. You get a girl who likes taking pictures, who likes yoga but doesn’t actually practice it. A girl who wants to be a witch. A girl who desperately needs art in her life despite not thinking she’s very creative or talented. A girl who doesn’t have a clue what she wants to do with her life. You get a girl who is scared.
Scared she’ll fail.
Scared she’ll never fall in love.
Scared she’ll end up alone.
Scared she’ll never be happy.
You get a girl who is scared to live life, to be her true self. Because she constantly feels like she needs to defend and explain herself, her beliefs, why she wore a certain outfit, why she’s awake a couple of hours earlier than usual. Because people seem to constantly be commenting on or criticizing what she’s doing or saying what she should be doing or ‘needs’ to do.
But do they ever ask what she wants, what she believes she needs?
No, they don’t.
So often people just assume they know what I want, what I think, what I need. But they rarely ask.
Maybe I help fuel that by not speaking up.
All my life I’ve been labeled as the ‘smart’ one. But I don’t feel very smart anymore. I have all these little interests, but I hardly know anything about them. So I don’t mention them, because I feel like I’m expected to know a lot about them, about most things.
But in reality, I know very little – about anything.
I don’t even know who I am.
If you don’t ask me about what you want to know, or what you want to talk about, I assume you’re not interested in hearing what I have to say.
Too often when I talk I am either dismissed/glossed over, interrupted and talked over, or no one understands what I’m trying to say.
I guess it just becomes easier to not say anything at all.